Day 4

Has it really only been four days since I found out I have breast cancer? Seems like a lifetime.

Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach again. The thought of potentially having my breasts sliced off is FREAKING ME OUT! What are the two things that make you feel feminine- your hair and your breasts. Hmmm... perhaps my growth in this is to realize there is much more to me. Am I being superficial in that I'm more freaked out about not looking like a girl than I am about anything else?

Well, there is also the *death* thing. It didn't occur to me until last night that I could die from this. The thought of not seeing my boys grow up, of not being able to travel the world or become a tennis pro or a rock star (I'd play bass), makes me VERY sad. I can't die... from this, at least.

Things that make me happy right now: Caleb's sweet smile, Zacary giving me whole body hugs, the smell of fresh cut grass, blooming tulips, sitting on my deck with a glass of wine while the kids run around the back yard and when my husband tells me everything is going to be ok. I know it is. It just HAS to be, right?

I'm scared.