I'd like to think of myself as a pretty stable person. I strive to live in the moment. I understand that life throws you curveballs and the best way to deal with them is to roll with the punches. I also realize that I need to process emotions as they come up, otherwise pushing them away will lead to an implosion. This is why I cry in the shower.
It's easy to hide my cancer when I'm done up with my wig, drawn on eyebrows and jeans. I'm trying to fool the world .... and myself. Come shower-time, as I peel away the layers of my faux-non-cancerous-life, sadness overwhelms me. I look like an alien with my bald, sparsely-fuzzed white head and no eyebrows. My body looks like remnants of a battle field with cuts, bruises, and bandages here and there. All evidence of last years triathlon training are melting away as I watch once (quasi) muscular arms, legs and abs turn to mush. I'm a cut-up, flabby, bald mess and it makes me sad.
Once the tears flow, what used to be a ten minute shower turns into a half hour water-fest (sorry Mother Earth). I mourn the loss of my energy, the strength in my body, my hair. I cry for the unknown of what the rest of my life is going to be like. I cry for my family and the hardship this has put on us. I cry for my husband who has to see me like this and I fear he'll leave me because of it all. I cry because I don't feel like I deserve all the generosity that has been shown to me and because I don't know how I'm ever going to pay it back. I'm sad that I can't lift my 2-year old up to the basketball net and that I can no longer race my 4-year old three doors down. I cry because this diagnosis has affected the people I love most- I'm sad because they are sad. The water pours over my bald, chubby body and I cry.
In my heart, I know this will pass and that everything will truly be ok, but I'm sad and sometimes I just need to cry.
HUGS!!! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteSusan No You Do Not look like a alien.And ofcourse you are sad.Each tear that you shed is cleansing your Soul as well as every part of your Being and Trust me it isn't going not noticed.You Will Be Strong Again To Play With Your Children,Never think you don't Deserve The Kindness and Generosity That you are shown.Because you do.And you know there will be opportunity's in the future to do for those that have helped you.In someway or another.And i am sure there is no condition on the kindness and generosity shown to you.YES THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!
ReplyDeleteRemember The Star Over The Pathway??
Love You
Mom
Ok this post made me cry. I cant even imagine what you are going through. It makes me realize my life is not so bad after all. Everything i have been going through with Justin, seems so minimal. At least we have our health. Even though a seizure disorder is a medical condition, he is still a very active healthy boy. I give you kuddos for being brave. I know sometimes we ourselves don't feel like much, but to others we are a light, a hope. You are an inspiration Susan to so many people. You are beautiful in every way. As i say this i sit here and cry because i want you to see the way i see you. Know that you are loved.
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