Pity-Party Monday

It's hard to be "strong" and positive ALL the time. So, are you ready for my pity-party?

Having cancer sucks and I want my life back. Will I EVER get it back?

We had a little get-away this weekend (thank you to our kind friends) and while there, enjoyed the local rec center pool for the boys. I need to stress that it was for the boys... because, frankly, I've had a lot of anxiety about swimming because of the hair situation. So, had it not been for the boys, I would NEVER have gone. Ever.

So, we go to this pool. And, I'm stressing. What to do about my "hair," or lack of it. I haven't ventured out in public without something covering my bald head, because I feel naked and exposed. Hubby says, "go for it!" Brother says, "what's the big deal?" Boys say, "let's swim, mama!" Oi vey.

I head to the changing room with C and get him dressed. Then I get into my swimsuit (which, in and of itself is an issue) and take a deep breath. I anxiously look around to make sure no one is nearby and quickly take off my wig, stuff it into my locker and pull on a knit hat. Boy, did I look silly heading out to the pool in my knit hat and swimsuit. Anxiety builds.

Hubby was in the hot tub with Z and as soon as he saw me mouthed, "take off the hat!" I felt like I was going to vomit... but I did it because I think wearing a bright green knit cap in the pool would draw more attention than my sparsely-haired head. I pull it off and QUICKLY proceed to the water hoping no one notices me. I wondered, if I puke in the pool would they make everyone get out? Holy crap, I can't do that, then EVERYONE would notice me.

My anxiety heightens as I look around and notice a gaggle of pre-teens (those are the WORST.) I imagine them whispering to each other, "who is that freak?" "what is wrong with that woman?" I feel the bile rise in my throat and have a frank conversation with myself. Get over it Susan. You'll never see these people again, Susan. You can do this Susan. It's for the boys.... then, C calls to me and I snap out of it.

What I noticed when I finally took in my surroundings was the no one even looked at me. In fact, people purposely avoided eye contact. That is the worst feeling. Usually I get smiles from other mommys as we acknowledge the cuteness of our children, this time... nothing. It's as if I didn't exist. Even my own brother who joined us later wouldn't even look in my eyes, he just mumbled something like, "see it's not so bad" ..... for you, maybe.

I should be stronger. I should emit confidence in my baldness, but I can't. I'm overweight, cut up, have little hair on my head and, as of this week, NO hair in my eyebrow or eyelash area. I HATE looking at myself in the mirror, I don't look like "me" and it freaks me out. I just want to be "normal" again.